I enjoy reading and will admit to using it as an escape, sometimes.
Because sometimes it is easier to read about what I want from life than to face the challenges that would, perhaps, get me there.
Unfortunatly, I do not live alone in a bubble and this behavior effects Cream. Our relationship.
Now, please, do not misconstrue this to mean that we have a poor relationship. In fact, we are very strong together.
But the reading has created a desire in me for more. I'm familiar with this method of mental stimulation. I use it as an advertising designer, create a NEED for something previously unnecessary. A method of selling.
Well, I have managed to sell myself on the BDSM lifestyle through reading numerous alternative lifestyle romantic fiction books.
I understand that I have CREATED this need, but fear (not quite the right word) it is too late. The seed has been planted and apparently is sprouting in the dark!
I've talked with Cream about the possibilities awaiting us in the BDSM lifestyle and he is willing to explore with me.
But I'm scared.
We are both neophytes. I have no illusions that I actually know the TRUTH about the lifestyle from reading romantic fiction... I simply have a taste for it and want to know if the real thing can be as good as I imagine. I am hoping for better, though as I type this I realize the fairytales are never true. Perhaps I should stop right here. No. I need to get this out. Even if it is an unattainable fantasy, I need it on "paper".
I am a strong woman.
I keep reading that it takes a very strong person to submit.
I struggle with the labels... at first thinking I am a switch but now realizing I crave submission. (NOTE: Now I realize I am a switch with strong dominant tendencies.)
I want a place where I don't have to be strong. Where I am not in charge. Where someone is responsible for me and cares for me and knows what is best for me. *sigh* It seems such a childish longing.
So, ultimately, that would place Cream as my Dom. I fear he can not be what I need. These are secret fears that I would never voice to him for fear of shredding his pride.
I want a man physically larger than me. We are equal in weight, though he is taller. I am losing weight. And I coax him into gaining muscle but can't push too hard for fear of hurting his feelings, bruising his ego. I don't want to hurt him but I crave a man who is physically imposing to me.
I want a man mentally dominant to me. He has this quality. I find, in debates with him, that most of the time his logic is superior to mine and I finish in agreement with him. He controls his temper much better than I do. But when it comes to making decisions he is lacking in confidence, I guess. They aren't important decisions, but sometimes I just want him to TELL me what he wants for dinner.
This is a hint to myself that my longterm goal may be wanting to live as a sub 24/7. I enjoy serving him. Taking care of his needs. Making him happy. But on the flip side, I just don't think he has the same need for me to be submissive to him. And that is a major hurtle. I can not be his sub if he does not want to be my Dom.
Financially superior. I have the steady job and pay the bills. I'm cool with that but the weight of providing for the household is an odd burden that I would feel much better about carrying if HE supported me? Carried me? Allowed me to be strong and in charge at work and come home to be submissive and supported at home? Look at this twisted tangle of thoughts!
Let's leave this for a moment, the categorizing of characteristics.
I sometimes fantasize of a triad. We are swingers and that is not a taboo but I am thinking permanently.
A triad because I just don't see him being dominant enough for me. I see a submissive side to him. So I fantasize a big strong Dom to take care of us both.
But sometimes I fantasize a triad of subs. With a lovely handsome smart ass man in my arms at night and my husband curled around the both of us.
I do not fantasize about another woman. I know it is unfair to him, but it doesn't work for me. And there is a possibility that a man WILL work for him.
So this is where you can see the stereotypes I was raised with fighting it out in my head. I was taught to be a strong independent woman and yet I crave the traditional role of caring for my man/men. I do NOT want children though, I am much too selfish for that.
So back to my fears.
We have dipped our toes into BDSM a bit.
The very first time we went too far to fast. We didn't research and didn't ask any advice. He tied me up; hands, feet and eyes - and I flipped out. We didn't have a safe word. And I was crying when he/we were finished.
This taught me that I have trust issues with him. I hate that I have them. He hates that he gave me a reason to have them. They are amazingly hard to get over. This has impeded our process significantly.
Spanking.
I'm attracted to the cathartic properties.
I have a history of mood issues. I have gone though medication and currently control them through self awareness (therefore not allowing them to run away with me emotionally). This method works well but does not eradicate the moods.
My husband can identify when I am bratty and will usually allow me the space I need to mentally work through it. (That usually involved a viscous cycle of house cleaning for about an hour. My way of controlling my environment and gaining control of myself.)
But sometimes he doesn't want to wait for me to work through it and will FORCE me through it. Even though I will fight him I am silently begging him in my head not to stop, and I always appreciate it in the end because it works. He usually grabs me in a sort of "take down scene" and throws me on the bed attacking me in some way and physically restraining me and tickling me. The bitching and fighting back is so important in this scenario as it allows me to get the angst out - that ugly mood that has a hold of me. And it is very important that he understands I am not attacking him personally (and does not take offense) but simply attacking something, anything.
The above scenario makes me think spanking would be very, very useful for me. I want to scream and cry and fight. But I am afraid that it will be too much for him to handle. I want to break down and be built back up but I am afraid that he will fail half way through and I will be left broken. *sigh*
I don't want to force him to do this. If this is not something HE can handle then I am afraid I will have to bury it....
I sense a peace waiting for me, when all my choices are taken away.
I feel a calm pervade me when I lay my head in his lap and he pets my hair.
I feel an odd tingle when he tells me I am a good girl. I struggle to call him Sir and want him to get a thrill when the word passes my lips but am so very very afraid that it is only a word to him. That he doesn't understand. That he will never understand. I don't even understand. But I feel like something is potentially right here...
ARRG! And now we can't even associate with the local community for fear of discovery and social recrimination.
