Vicarious Confessions

Below is an outdated journal entry from the very beginning of the Peaches and Cream BDSM lifestyle...

I enjoy reading and will admit to using it as an escape, sometimes.

Because sometimes it is easier to read about what I want from life than to face the challenges that would, perhaps, get me there.

Unfortunatly, I do not live alone in a bubble and this behavior effects Cream. Our relationship.

Now, please, do not misconstrue this to mean that we have a poor relationship. In fact, we are very strong together.

But the reading has created a desire in me for more. I'm familiar with this method of mental stimulation. I use it as an advertising designer, create a NEED for something previously unnecessary. A method of selling.

Well, I have managed to sell myself on the BDSM lifestyle through reading numerous alternative lifestyle romantic fiction books.

I understand that I have CREATED this need, but fear (not quite the right word) it is too late. The seed has been planted and apparently is sprouting in the dark!

I've talked with Cream about the possibilities awaiting us in the BDSM lifestyle and he is willing to explore with me.

But I'm scared.

We are both neophytes. I have no illusions that I actually know the TRUTH about the lifestyle from reading romantic fiction... I simply have a taste for it and want to know if the real thing can be as good as I imagine. I am hoping for better, though as I type this I realize the fairytales are never true. Perhaps I should stop right here. No. I need to get this out. Even if it is an unattainable fantasy, I need it on "paper".

I am a strong woman.

I keep reading that it takes a very strong person to submit.

I struggle with the labels... at first thinking I am a switch but now realizing I crave submission. (NOTE: Now I realize I am a switch with strong dominant tendencies.)

I want a place where I don't have to be strong. Where I am not in charge. Where someone is responsible for me and cares for me and knows what is best for me. *sigh* It seems such a childish longing.

So, ultimately, that would place Cream as my Dom. I fear he can not be what I need. These are secret fears that I would never voice to him for fear of shredding his pride.

I want a man physically larger than me. We are equal in weight, though he is taller. I am losing weight. And I coax him into gaining muscle but can't push too hard for fear of hurting his feelings, bruising his ego. I don't want to hurt him but I crave a man who is physically imposing to me.

I want a man mentally dominant to me. He has this quality. I find, in debates with him, that most of the time his logic is superior to mine and I finish in agreement with him. He controls his temper much better than I do. But when it comes to making decisions he is lacking in confidence, I guess. They aren't important decisions, but sometimes I just want him to TELL me what he wants for dinner.

This is a hint to myself that my longterm goal may be wanting to live as a sub 24/7. I enjoy serving him. Taking care of his needs. Making him happy. But on the flip side, I just don't think he has the same need for me to be submissive to him. And that is a major hurtle. I can not be his sub if he does not want to be my Dom.

Financially superior. I have the steady job and pay the bills. I'm cool with that but the weight of providing for the household is an odd burden that I would feel much better about carrying if HE supported me? Carried me? Allowed me to be strong and in charge at work and come home to be submissive and supported at home? Look at this twisted tangle of thoughts!

Let's leave this for a moment, the categorizing of characteristics.

I sometimes fantasize of a triad. We are swingers and that is not a taboo but I am thinking permanently.

A triad because I just don't see him being dominant enough for me. I see a submissive side to him. So I fantasize a big strong Dom to take care of us both.

But sometimes I fantasize a triad of subs. With a lovely handsome smart ass man in my arms at night and my husband curled around the both of us.

I do not fantasize about another woman. I know it is unfair to him, but it doesn't work for me. And there is a possibility that a man WILL work for him.

So this is where you can see the stereotypes I was raised with fighting it out in my head. I was taught to be a strong independent woman and yet I crave the traditional role of caring for my man/men. I do NOT want children though, I am much too selfish for that.

So back to my fears.

We have dipped our toes into BDSM a bit.

The very first time we went too far to fast. We didn't research and didn't ask any advice. He tied me up; hands, feet and eyes - and I flipped out. We didn't have a safe word. And I was crying when he/we were finished.

This taught me that I have trust issues with him. I hate that I have them. He hates that he gave me a reason to have them. They are amazingly hard to get over. This has impeded our process significantly. 

Spanking.

I'm attracted to the cathartic properties.

I have a history of mood issues. I have gone though medication and currently control them through self awareness (therefore not allowing them to run away with me emotionally). This method works well but does not eradicate the moods.

My husband can identify when I am bratty and will usually allow me the space I need to mentally work through it. (That usually involved a viscous cycle of house cleaning for about an hour. My way of controlling my environment and gaining control of myself.)

But sometimes he doesn't want to wait for me to work through it and will FORCE me through it. Even though I will fight him I am silently begging him in my head not to stop, and I always appreciate it in the end because it works. He usually grabs me in a sort of "take down scene" and throws me on the bed attacking me in some way and physically restraining me and tickling me. The bitching and fighting back is so important in this scenario as it allows me to get the angst out - that ugly mood that has a hold of me. And it is very important that he understands I am not attacking him personally (and does not take offense) but simply attacking something, anything.

The above scenario makes me think spanking would be very, very useful for me. I want to scream and cry and fight. But I am afraid that it will be too much for him to handle. I want to break down and be built back up but I am afraid that he will fail half way through and I will be left broken. *sigh*

I don't want to force him to do this. If this is not something HE can handle then I am afraid I will have to bury it....

I sense a peace waiting for me, when all my choices are taken away.

I feel a calm pervade me when I lay my head in his lap and he pets my hair.

I feel an odd tingle when he tells me I am a good girl. I struggle to call him Sir and want him to get a thrill when the word passes my lips but am so very very afraid that it is only a word to him. That he doesn't understand. That he will never understand. I don't even understand. But I feel like something is potentially right here...

ARRG! And now we can't even associate with the local community for fear of discovery and social recrimination.

Submission of the Strong

Cream seduced me.

The vulnerable blindness of black spandex shrouding his face beckons to me.

This time spontaneity revealed the joy of red lipstick graffiti and pouting masculine lips, arms and legs bound together presenting all that is vulnerable to my touch.

His begged request helped this Mistress from freezing at the sight of her bounty, and my lovely boy received both liquor from my lips and the thrust of double headed dildo between us.

A wonderful step forward in our explorations! And a was thrilled to discover a deep dark rush of lust when he choked on that burning tequila shot. What dark corners will be revealed next?!

Who's hood?

Cream came home with more presents!

A lovely multi-purpose dildo (kinda sounds like a screwdriver LOL)
AND
A black spandex hood!

Oral access only.

We are negotiating on who's going to wear it. Taking turns works out QUITE nicely. :D

(Now I can't stop thinking about him hooded, on his knees at my feet...)

Last night, he donned the hood at my request.

I didn't make him kneel at my feet (one step at a time) but I did have him spread eagle on my bed.

My, oh my, the sight. I could have stared at him for hours. Perfection. My strong man, hooded and at my mercy... hands above his head with fingers flexing.. muscles bunching with each lick and kiss... strong thigh pushing against me to ride. Yes, it was perfect.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH HIM?! LOL I teased him a bit... I love to watch him squirm and his moans are the hottest thing ever. I think he might need more pain than I was giving him (none). He was a bit too passive for my tastes (He's taught me to enjoy his bratty sub routine) and I ended up releasing him and ordering him to fuck me.

Next time will be my turn.

Dominatrix Daydreams

So, Cream says he wants ME to Dominate HIM... in a purely physical way.

He likes pain.
And we have been talking about this quite a bit lately.

In the past, I tended to get the giggles when I attempted to subdue him.
As you can imagine, this did not lend itself well to actual submission.

Part of the problem was, I did not believe myself to be Dominante.

But one recent morning I was daydreaming and could SEE myself dominating him.

The path is not clear, because I am not familiar with the techniques, but the state of mind was there.

The elation from giving him what he wants.
And a tiny bit of naughty indulgence in enjoying making someone else feel something else so intense, and being trusted to keep it from crossing that line from good to bad.

Power. Responsibility. I'm starting to understand.

And since I have begun to gradually explore these fantasies as both figments of my imagination and erotic literature.

We have a long and varied path ahead of us, but we are on the way!

{Peaches}

Vanilla or Twist?

Last week's blog post with the lovely velcro cuffs Cream gifted me last week, initiated some interesting conversation:

wifeinlove asked, "Can I ask were you both quite vanilla before hand and how did you go about introducing all this into your relationship?"

My automatic response was, "No". We are at the very beginning of this exciting kinky adventure.

But then I thought back to our first days of carnal indulgence, both with each other and at all...

*the screen blurs as we fly back through memories to the year 2000; a blazing fire, concrete floor, dow board mattress, and bare naked studs both wood and male*

Teenagers in love, barely past our virginity and overloaded on sensual discovery. I ride him like the stallion he is, bucking hard and fast. He feasts at my breast and heeds my demands to bite harder. Harder. HARDER! A wild buck rips my tenderized flesh from his teeth and horror spreads across his face. I take one look and demand, Don't you DARE stop!

So yeah, I don't think I ever was vanilla. I prefer a twist.

A new beginning with restraints

Cream and I have a history with restraints.
Picture naive lil' sheep playing with a wolf skin. We cut ourselves on the teeth.
But that was years ago and we are moving forward once again!

After my simple yet deliberate submission to his demand last week Friday, he came home Saturday bearing gifts.

A surprise for Peaches, from Cream.

At first I just saw the cuffs and really all I could articulate was a breathless, "Oh" thinking to myself, "He is ready to take us to the next step!"

Then the eye hooks registered along with two large long wooden dowels and I was puzzled.

"What?"

He gave me one of his strong silent stares and didn't even crack a smile. "Spreader bars."

Oh. My.

He was still not smiling and I wasn't sure if I was more anxious or excited. But man, oh man, was he doing a good job with the firm Dom attitude. I got the chills and kinda liked it.

We are at the very beginning of our journey. Our vanilla bed is full of laughing and smiling but we are attempting to bring the intensity up a notch with a stern/solemn attitude integrated into our D/s play.

And so.... Tuesday night we broke them in! (Just the cuffs)

I was sitting on the bed testing the size of the new cuffs and really just using it as an excuse to tease/seduce him.

I had both wrists cuffed and was attempting to put them behind my back and link them together. I couldn't quite get them to hook and he couldn't quite resist joining me on the bed and hooking them for me. 

The sensation was thrilling, being off balance with the slight and constant pull on my biceps as my arms stretched behind me.

A particularly large turn-on for me is being "man-handled" BUT since Cream and I equal in weight, this rarely happens because I naturally/subconsciously resist. (If he can catch me unawares, it works out and boy, oh boy is the adrenaline rush an extra bonus kick in the panties!) 

With my arms cuffed behind my back, Cream maneuvered me into any position he wanted. Flipping me over. Propping up my hips. Cuffing my wrists to my ankles.

Yeah. So. That was fun and I want to do it again, and so does Cream. In fact, he stated afterwards that he had more planned but he finished too quickly.

{Peaches}

Deciding to Submit

I was asking for it, in my own way.
My typical shock and awe tendencies coming into play.
Astounding him with my lack of motivation and subsequent 2 weeks absence from the gym.
That he had failed to notice.

His answer was simple. "You will go tomorrow."

My answer was immediate, "But I have tomorrow off."

He replied simply,  "I don't care when you go but... You. Will. Go."

And I did. At 7am. A very nice start to my day. And a very nice start to our D/s relationship.

{Peaches}